Job Brief: High street lead generation to attract new gym members. You will be working outside for your entire shift.
During the four coldest weeks on record in 2012 my workplace was various provincial high streets.
Arriving at the gym for The Outdoor Shift, a couple of staff looked up from their desk to acknowledge me (squinting long and hard at the computer screen is compulsory if you work in a gym, it convinces others that you have a difficult job).
They gave me a very large puffy coat, which was nice, a clipboard and a pen and sent me off to accost the public with the offer of a free day pass.
‘A three day pass?’
‘No, a free day pass. For one day’.
This job was not only tedious, but painfully cold. There was snow on the ground, it was -12C and the public did not want to engage with me, the abominable snowman with a confusing offer.
Uncertain about my entitled breaks I asked if I should come back at lunchtime… “If you want to…”. That was my cue to hide in the Asda café for an hour and maybe wander back to let them know I hadn’t gone home already without giving back their big coat and clipboard.
I experienced new levels of elation when they let me go and post leaflets through people’s doors instead one day. This allowed me to stop repeating the same phrase and feel a sense of brief job satisfaction. There is no crushing sense of failure and rejection when you are putting a piece of paper through a hole in a door.
In this quiet time of methodical posting I drew some considered conclusions on what a letterbox says about a person:
- A letterbox with very thick and resistant bristles signals the mindset of someone with rigid ideals – reluctant to let even their personal post into their life, let alone any wider ideas.
- A big gaping hole that does not sport bristles but instead offers a full view of the hallway and downstairs toilet is downright foolish. This resident has considered neither the security risk nor the energy inefficiency of a hole without bristly insulation.
- A letterbox at ankle height belongs to an unthinking or a lazy homeowner. They are either unthinking for putting it there, or they are lazy for not having moved it.
- Residents that have allocated a separate postbox on the wall outside to prevent the dog from eating it need to reconsider their priorities. This sort of compromise enables even strangers to see that you are not the boss of your own home.
- Multiple stickers that state in capital letters NO JUNK MAIL and NO COLD CALLERS are far too angry for an entryway. I assume these are cross people. Permanently cross people with a redder skin shade than is healthy.
- Letterboxes that have soft bristles and a flap that doesn’t close noisily belong to nice, sensible folk. The type of person who would provide chocolate digestives, bourbons and NICE biscuits were they to offer you a cup of tea. Conventional, appropriate and unsurprising.
- Big metal outside flaps that creak open and are spring loaded to shut very quickly with a bang suggests this person has a crush on the postman. Not only do they use this noisy letterbox to alert them to his arrival, but as a hand trap to literally ensnare him.
Turned out to be an informative if not chilly experience.
Average Brunette 